A Road Trip in the Elfsex Mobile
by Wondermart
Summary: Frodo and Sam find a Toyota and drive to Mordor. Mildly entertaining, until you reach chapter 3...good things come to those who wait, if you get my drift.
1. An Unexpected Guest

"Gee, Samwise, I sure am glad we found this car!"  
  
"I know! This is great! Now we can drive to Mordor!"  
  
Frodo and Sam sat cozily in the front seats of a 2001 Toyota Corolla. With the heat from the vents blowing in their tired faces and the cd player playing the appropriate Howard Shore score, the Hobbits felt that the journey across the dreaded dead marshes would be no trouble at all. Maybe they were right. Maybe they were wrong. I suppose we'll find out...  
  
"Well, what are we waiting for, master? let's us get going if we're going to get going!"  
  
"Alright, Sam. I'll drive."  
  
"Aw, but Mr. Frodo, I wanted to drive!"  
  
"Don't worry, Samwise, I'll let you drive on the way back."  
  
"Glory and trumpets! I can't wait!"  
  
The tan colored car started without any trouble, and soon the hobbits were off. At first, Frodo had a bit of trouble adjusting to the car; it was difficult for one so short to reach the pedals. Sam stiffled a laugh as he watched his master peer over the dashboard with some difficulty. Everything was going fine and dandy, until suddenly...  
  
-THUMP!-  
  
"I think we've hit something, Mr. Frodo!"  
  
"Thank you, Samwise the Obvious. I never would have deduced that on my own!"  
  
Frodo and Sam got out of the car and had a look around to see just what they could have hit in this desolate, isolated location. In the center of the road, they found a grey lump of a creature, seemingly dead.  
  
"Oh my god! We've killed Gollum!"  
  
"What'll we do, Mr. Frodo?"  
  
"I do not know! Its a lucky thing Gandalf isn't here, for if he were he would most certainly be pissed."  
  
"Well, you know Frodo, no one really has to know anything about this, do they? I mean, who really cares what happens to Gollum?"  
  
"You're probably right, Sam, but just to be safe we'd best take him with us. Don't want to leave any incriminating evidence lying around, what with those bloody Nazgul about."  
  
"Smart idea."  
  
Frodo lifted Gollum's limp body from the ground and stowed it in the trunk, amidst a strangely large amounts of empty snapple bottles. Now, of course, they didn't have snapple in Middle Earth at the time, so the hobbits were quite puzzled; however, they were more disappointed that all the bottles were empty. Frodo and Sam then got back in the car.  
  
"Maybe I should drive now. We don't want to run anything else over. We'd be in a mess of trouble if we overran an orc."  
  
"It's my car and my ring and I'll drive."  
  
Sam reluctantly agreed.  
  
Onward they drove, singing along to "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" which was now playing on the cd player. Sam, feeling inquisitive, began to plunder about the car. In the glove box, he found a box of tic tacs and ate them all. Frodo was annoyed but said nothing. Under the seat, Sam was thrilled to find half of a leftover subway sub. Again, to many people's dismay, there were no subways in Middle Earth, and though Sam gave no thought to the origins of the mysterious sandwich, Frodo was wary of it.  
  
"Sam, no! Don't put that in your mouth! You don't know where it's been!"  
  
"It says on the bag its from someplace called Oregano. That sounds like a nice place, doesn't it? Do you think they have elves there? or hobbits? Whoever lives there, they make great sandwiches! Do you want a bite, Mr. Frodo?" Sam waved the old sandwich in Frodo's direction.  
  
"No, no, for gray havens sake, you fool! Stop your babbling, I think I hear something."  
  
"Oh, that's nothing, it's just your giant ego talking," Sam muttered under his breath.  
  
"What was that? I couldn't hear you over the radio."  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Frodo thought that he had heard something, and he was quite right. From the back of the car came a soft thumping sound, and a sharp hiss. Frodo's first thought was that the car had started to give out, and that they would have to carry on on foot.  
  
"Don't you hear that, Sam?"  
  
"Hear what?"  
  
"That noise?"  
  
"What noise?"  
  
"Never mind."  
  
Frodo put the noise out of his mind and continued to pilot the Corolla across the dead marshes. After a short struggle, Samwise was able to climb his way into the backseat. Continuing his exploration, he found a coathanger, a box of tissues, and some lady's underthings.  
  
"My, Mr. Frodo, lookie what I found!" Said Sam, holding up one of the garments.  
  
"Samwise! Where did you find that! Have you been going through my--!" Sam cut Frodo off before he could finish his sentence.  
  
"They were in the floor."  
  
"Oh. Well....you'd best come back up here. You're not wearing a seatbelt, and if we were pulled over we'd be fined for that."  
  
"Pulled over? Mr. Frodo, you know very well they're aren't any police in Middle Earth!"  
  
"....er....just come back up here before you get into any more trouble."  
  
Again, Frodo heard the noise: thump, thump, thump, hisssss. "There it is again, Sam! Did you hear it?"  
  
"I did Mr. Frodo, I did! It's coming from the trunk! Gollum! But it can't be! Oh, whatever will we do Master Frodo? he'll be ever so pissed with us for near killing him! I don't like that Gollum, not one bit. What will we do?" Samwise went on babbling about his distaste for Gollum, while Frodo attempted to shush him to better hear the noise.  
  
"We'd best pull over and see if it really is him," he said. Frodo slowed the car to a gentle halt and set the parking brake, with some difficulty. Again, Sam muffled giggles. They climbed out of the car and apprehensivly approached the trunk. Key in hand, Frodo extended his arm slowly toward the latch. Again, the noise: thump, thump, hissss, thump, and the hobbits stepped back, startled. Summoning courage, Frodo again extended his hand, turned the key, and slowly, slowly opened the trunk. At first, nothing. He opened it and inch more and still nothing. Two inches. Nothing. Relaxing, Frodo let the trunk door rise up enough to allow some light in. He and Sam leaned forward for a closer look, but were suddenly regretting doing so. Samwise found himself on the ground, with a pain on his head inflicted from a snapple bottle. In anger, he rose and threw open the trunk door, dodging another projectile from the suddenly agile Gollum.  
  
  
  
Author's note: So ends chapter one of this ill-fated road trip. I am aware of the high level of stupidity that runs rampant throught this story, and choose to allow it. Why? because the world needs a little more idiocy, I suppose. This story started from a dumb joke, in which a friend and I were sitting in a car, on a picnic, wearing homemade hobbit costumes (yes, you may laugh, but let me remind you that you're the one reading it, and that if I actually had I life you wouldn't have my story to read there I said it so la de da). 


	2. Onward, Onward

"It was going to kill us, my precious! Kill us and leave us for dead, it was!"  
  
Gollum continued the rain of snapple bottles, much to the dismay of Frodo and Sam.  
  
"Gollum, wait, wait! We weren't trying to kill you! We were trying to save you! We were taking you to get some medical attention; you're in desparate need, you know," Frodo attempted to cover up what he and Sam had done.  
  
"No, it squashes us with its rock with wheels, it does. We hates it, and we hates its rock!"  
  
"It's not a rock, you ninny!" Sam was now much more annoyed than frightened. "It's a Corolla!" Gollum said nothing but looked puzzled.  
  
"What's it, a Corolla?"  
  
"I don't know what a Corolla is, but can't you read?" Sam pointed to the back of the car, which sported silver letters: C O R O L L A.  
  
"sssss- elf words, they are! evil! smells of elfsex!" Sam and Frodo seemed unknown to the word elfsex, but they continued to bargain with Gollum. After some arguing, Gollum agreed that they were not murderers, but "nice hobbitses." They walked back toward the car.  
  
"Sssshotgun!" hissed Gollum. Sam kicked the dirt with his toes and reluctantly got in the backseat. As soon as Frodo started the engine, Gollum began pushing buttons and opening compartments. Before long, they were driving through the dead marshes with their hazard lights blinking and the speakers blaring "I Will Survive" at maxium volume.  
  
"Turn all this nonsense off!" Shouted Frodo, searching for the button that turned off the windshield wipers. "We might as well announce our coming to Mordor with a midget marching band and a flamethrower!" Gollum hissed in disapproval at the mention of Mordor, but unpushed the buttons. They traveled on for some time in silence. Sam had fallen asleep in the back, and was snoring softly.  
  
"What has it got, my precious, has it got fooood? Has it got fish, nice fish, does the hobbitses have for precious?"  
  
"We haven't got any fish, Gollum, " said Frodo, but Sam found a moldy sandwich, and I have some lembas in my pack." Gollum immediately dove for the pack, but his attention drifted from food after plundering through it a bit.  
  
"Ooo! What has it got, my precious?"  
  
"Hey!" Shouted Frodo, waking Sam. "The lembas are in the front pocket! No need to look there!" Gollum pulled the wafers from the pocket and sniffed them.  
  
"ssss!" He hissed in displeasure. "Elf cakes, stinks of elfsex they does!" He quickly rolled down the window and tossed the lembas. Sam started at the loss of his dinner.  
  
"What are you doing?! That's all the food we have, you miserable thing!" Sam watched helplessly as the lembas landed in a puddle of who-knows-what. He slumped down in his seat and soon fell back into sleep, this time snoring much more loudly.  
  
Eventually, Gollum too drifted into sleep, and it began to weigh heavily on Frodo's eyes. He stuggled to keep his head up and watch ahead, but the wearyness overcame him, his hands drifted from the wheel, and he too, fell asleep.  
  
  
  
Authors Note: Please excuse the numerous type errors. There will be a chapter three, no they are not dead; that would be just pointless. I don't really know what will happen next...I suppose we'll find out later. 


	3. What Frodo and Sam discovered in the Dea...

Frodo awoke to the sound of a blaring horn. He pulled his head up from the steering wheel and the noise stopped. The car, too, had stopped, he noticed. He wondered where they were. Sam had just woken up but Gollum was jumping frantically.  
  
"Foolish Hobbitses! Will get selves killed an He will findes them and takes the Precious! Awake, Awake!" The three companions seemed to be uninjured, but the car was in a poor state. The hood was smashed and crumpled and a faint steam was rising slowly from it. They gathered what they could from it, and prepared to set off on foot. Just as they were set to go, Sam halted them.  
  
"Music, Mr. Frodo!"  
  
"Music?! You must have hit your foolish head, Samwise! There's no one around for mi--" Frodo stopped then because he heard it too. From over a distant hill came a band of elves, led by none other than Elrond himself. They were the most graceful and wonderful things Sam had ever seen, with the exception of the clumsy little elf at the end who kept dropping his drum. The elf band approached, and Elrond spoke.  
  
"We have searched far and traveled wide to find you here!" He said.  
  
"Oh, thank you!" said Frodo. "We've hit a bit of car trouble, maybe you can help us." Elrond raised a pointy eyebrow.  
  
"We didn't come here to find you," he said, annoyed. "We came for the car!" Before Elrond could explain, Legolas came running from the center of the crowd  
  
"The Elfsex Mobile! You've finally found it! It's ours! All ours, again!" Sam and Frodo looked at each other, baffled. "YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF THE ELFSEX MOBILE??" Legolas was shocked. "Elfsex Mobiles were once the only way to travel around Middle Earth! Eventually, they died out, foolish people kept getting 'distracted' and crashing into things." Frodo looked at the ground sheepishly.  
  
"OH MY SWEET LORD, WHAT HAVE YOU DAMN LITTLE MIDGETS DONE?" Elrond was excedingly pissed. It seemed he had just discovered the damage to the car. "You wrecked the last remaining Elfsex Mobile!" Legolas fell to his knees, mourning.  
  
"How could you! We should have you castrated!" Legolas cried. Samwise stood away from the crowd, thanking his lucky stars Frodo's ego was too big to let him drive. Gollum seemed to have disappeared. All could have been lost in a sea of mourning and castration, had they not been saved by a miracle.  
  
"Elrond! Legolas!" Came from the sky a booming voice. "The hobbit has done you no harm."  
  
"Are you mad?!" Elrond swore at the sky. "He's wrecked the last remaining Elfsex Mobile! He should be punished!" The clouds cleared and in flew Gandalf on an eagle's back.  
  
"Don't you know," he laughed. An Elfsex Mobile can never be destroyed. In order to restore it, all you need to do is...er...well...use it." At first, everyone seemed puzzled. Then Gandalf smiled as the dead marshes rang out with epiphany sounds.  
  
"I will save the Elfsex Mobile! In the days of my forefathers, my family made its living off Elfsex Mobiles! It is my right!" pleaded Legolas. There was then a rush to the car.  
  
"Oh please, allow me to redeem myself for my wrongdoings!" Frodo cried. Sam was now quite annoyed.  
  
"Now, Mr. Frodo, you got to drive it here and you said I could drive back! Its my turn to drive and I want to drive!" The arguments continued. Elves and hobbits alike pushed each other aside, fighting for a chance at saving Middle Earth's last Elfsex Mobile. Gandalf stood by, watching the chaos unfold.  
  
"Wait, friends, wait!" Through some effort he was able to calm the eager "rescuers." "Must I teach you everything? The more you use it, the happier it will be! You can ALL save it!"  
  
The rest of the day was spent in what participants might later have called "an honerable crusade to save a historic relic," but presently "the most fun you can possibly have with 250 elves, 2 hobbits, 65 empty snapple bottles, and 1 Elfsex Mobile." As the sun set on that day (oh what a day!) of days, Frodo sat down and relaxed, leaning against the now like-new Elfsex Mobile. He was soon joined by Legolas.  
  
"In their time these cars made quite a lucrative business, you know. We stand to make quite a profit, should we go into business." The idea of riding all over Middle Earth in the Elfsex Mobile with Legolas and getting paid for it was more tempting than Frodo could stand. He was prepared to say yes, until he remembered what he was doing there in the first place.  
  
"That would be marvelous!....But...the ring..."  
  
"Oh, right, that." Legolas didn't seem to terribly put out.  
  
"Maybe, once Sam and I finish with it you can come and find us and then..." Frodo trailed off, hoping Legolas would get his drift.  
  
"Yeah, sure, whatever....Sam...where is Samwise, anyway?" Frodo spotted Sam sitting in the lap of an elf he recognized as the clumsy one who kept dropping his drum. He seemed to be having no trouble with Sam. Legolas got up to go speak with him, but was stopped halfway there by a familiar voice.  
  
"What's all this I hear about an Elfsex Mobile?"  
  
"ARAGORN!" Legolas whooped in joy.  
  
"Indeed! I got word of this momentous discovery from a vision I had in my dreams! I had thought the Elfsex Mobiles only existed in the most glorious of myths!"  
  
"That's marvelous!" Legolas said. "I've a proposition for you then. It seems the hobbits are detained with some other matter about which I could hardly care now, what with the Elfsex Mobile and all. How would you like to go into business with me? It's an old family trade of mine, Elfsex Mobile-ing, and we could make a fortune!" Nothing more needed to be discussed. Everything seemed to be all wrapped up nicely. Their quest complete, Elrond's band of elves set out again for Rivendell, Gandalf took the wheel, and Legolas and Aragorn climbed into the back seat. Frodo and Sam waved as they drove off towards the east, but they received no return farewell. It seems they were otherwise distracted.  
  
With the elves' depature Gollum reappeared.  
  
"Well, Smeagol, you missed all the fun! Where've you been all this time" Frodo inquired.  
  
"It is none of its concern where we have been, nosy hobbitsessss!" Frodo and Sam looked at other and shrugged.  
  
"I don't know about you, Mr. Frodo, but I think elves are the greatest, greatest things to ever walk Middle Earth!" Sam bubbled.  
  
And so they went, reminicing about mysterious sandwiches and elfsex, with Gollum leading them into terrible danger. As far as the Elfsex Mobile, it lived happily ever onward in the possesion of one Captain ShortyPants of the Epiphany Squad, waiting for the time when it will be blessed with the presence of elves in its backseat once more.  
  
Author's note: This is the end, but what about the continuing adventures of the Elfsex Mobile? Read, review, and we shall see, my precious. The preceeding has been a Llady Llama/Captain Confused creation, a subsidiary of Epiphany Enterprises. Epiphany Enterprises does not own nor claim to own any of Tolkien's works or characters, for that would be just silly. 


End file.
